Once again, when the time comes for repose I find my mind filled with thoughts. As a general rule, thoughts at this time of night (1:00 a.m.) give rise to my anxiety levels, so I thought I might try to do my mind and heart some good by sorting some of them out in print.

I have an appointment in the morning with Dr. Tilley, my cardiologist. We’re doing a stress test and a follow-up cholesterol screening. I had blood work done six weeks ago, just prior to my discectomy, and the numbers weren’t so good. I’ve made no real progress since my heart surgery (August 2005). My weight is actually up (now around 255 lbs), and my cholesterol/triglycerides have also gone up since this time last year. Dr. Tilley and I spoke about changing my meds, but I told him that I wanted to see what I could accomplish in the six weeks that I’d be home. My eating, work, exercise, and rest habits were all compromised when I went to Manila, and I wanted to see if I could bring them back under some sort of control.

As I mentioned, I had a discectomy about six weeks ago to repair a ruptured disc (cervical 6-7), and I’ve been on leave since then. It has given me the time to try to implement some techniques to get my health under control: oatmeal every morning for breakfast, salads for lunch, walking daily. I feel as though I’ve done better with these strategies this time around, particularly the oatmeal, but I’m still overeating during other times of the day, and I’ve not kept my commitment to walk EVERY day.

I really don’t understand what’s causing me to sabotage myself every time I start to make a little progress. There has to be some psychological explanation. Perhaps I’m afraid of what the healthy, thin, happy me might become? Perhaps I’m afraid that, without my weight to use as an excuse, I’ll have nothing to blame but myself if I fail at something.

The thought of going back to work also has me feeling anxious. I’ve begun to sense that, despite all our efforts as a training team, we’re just running in circles because of the lack of support from other departments within our company. I was hoping for an opportunity to join the curriculum design team, but that has fallen through, and I’m having some difficulty getting emotionally and psychologically behind the company.

With Justin’s entrance to law school eminent, I’ve begun to consider what I might do with my life as well. Lately (and probably as a result of so much energy spent thinking about meals) I’ve been reminded of my dream to own and operate a café. Just a small place where people can come and enjoy a light lunch, snack, or dessert and a cup of coffee or espresso, as well as enjoy the company of others. It’s been a dream of mine for years, and it’s something I could get behind with 100% of my spirit. It seems like it would really suit my personality and lifestyle, combining the things I enjoy most: food, coffee, music, business, and people.

So, what to do?

I think the first thing is to figure out what it is that I’m holding on to. I was watching a TiVo’d episode of Oprah today in which she had enlisted the expertise of an “organizational guru” to help people de-clutter their homes. According to this gentleman, the clutter in our homes most assuredly is connected to the clutter in our lives. This sort of thinking resonates with me, and I believe that if I can figure out what’s cluttering up my life, the obstacles to my weight loss and subsequent overall good health would fall away…

There’s a very real sense – deep down – that I must make my peace with God. I’ve been wrestling with the angel for too long. I think that, in some way, my obesity is the result of a sometimes-not-so-subconscious act of defiance. It’s my way of saying, “God, I no longer trust you. You screwed up my life all that time when I was being obedient, and now, I’ll show you… I can screw it up just as good on my own!” The logic is dizzying, I know. But I really believe that’s what it boils down to.

But here’s the reality: God (or the Spirit-energy) didn’t screw up anything. I did. My own insecure sense of what was Right and True tipped the balance against me, and I traded true obedience for a two-dimensional picture of it. Now, I have the chance and the maturity to recognize what my life needs, and I’m still playing games. I’m using paper and crayons when I’ve got clay and a potter’s wheel…

Perhaps this blog is what I needed to get myself started on the right track again. Perhaps I just needed to accept my behavior as defiance, and allow myself to once again listen to and trust the heart of God.

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. ~ John 10:27-28